Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have
by Miss Snazzy
Summary: Edward lands himself in his Uncle Carlisle's Prison. Connections with the prison staff are made, including prison cook Bella. Edward and his cellmate Jasper plan an escape, but will they be successful? Or will enemies on the inside sell them out? DISCONTINUED.
1. She's A Handsome Woman

**A/N: Twilight and all of its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**You may have noticed that the title of this chapter has changed, but the chapter itself has not. Sorry if you got confused...**

**EPOV**

I walked up the steps of my new home. It was bright white and looked sterile.

My kind of institution.

I looked around at the scruffy assholes that I was sure to become acquainted with in my time here. They all had the same expression. I'd seen it plenty of times before. They'd be disappointed when they found out.

Edward Cullen is nobody's fucking bitch.

I was happy to note that they were all wearing bland colors—black, white, gray. All that goddamn orange starts to fuck with your eyes after a while.

The guard glared at me as I pulled the chain connected to my handcuffs up to run my finger through my hair.

_What the fuck are you looking at! What!? I can't scratch my fucking head? I may be in prison, but this is a free fucking country damn it!_

I glared at him until he turned around. _That's right bitch. Turn the fuck around._

Finally, the guard stopped in front of what I could only assume was my cell. I frowned when I realized I wouldn't be bunking alone.

If this guy is one of those persistent mother fuckers who doesn't fucking take "No" for an answer…it's going to make pissing really awkward.

The faceless guard pulled out a big ring of keys. I thought they only had those in the old prison movies? The last prison I was at was all fucking automated. I guess Carlisle Cullen didn't run as tight a ship as I had heard.

"Your suite Mr. Cullen," the guard sneered.

So that's how it was going to be. Just because my fucking uncle is the warden. I was going to be getting fucking special treatment alright. Having a convict for a nephew didn't make Carlisle happy. He always thought he was fucking above everybody else and my existence left a smudge on his perfect life. Serving time in his prison was going to be fucking hell.

I looked up at the cell number. Fucking 666. _So this was going to be fucking hell._

I stepped into the tiny cell and waited while the guard took off my handcuffs. He sneered again, making some sort of comment like "if you need anything just call room service" before locking the gate behind me. I looked around at my "suite". The walls were the same white as the outside and the floor was concrete. There was a small bunk bed pushed up into the left corner, and a toilet in the right corner. There was a mirror and sink combo. Of course we'd need a mirror—wouldn't want to look bad in _Carlisle's_ prison. Adjacent from the toilet was a small table with two chairs and a chess set. At least I'd have something to do to pass the time.

It was pretty small, but a lot bigger than my old cell. This cell gave you room to adjust your junk without slapping someone in the face. That shit always inspired the wrong kind of reaction. A punch in the face, or worse...

Remembering I had some shit to sort out, I looked over at the bed which my new cellmate was leaning against. We appraised each other for a few minutes. He was wearing a dark green wife beater and black sweats. He had shaggy blonde hair sticking out every which way, and several cigarette burns running up both his arms. I wondered if those were before or after prison…they looked a little old. Maybe he had been abused as a child. Whatever it was, it seemed ironic that he had a cigarette in his mouth.

"I'm nobody's bitch. So don't even fucking think about it." No point pussy-footing around.

"You look like too much of a tight ass to be any fun. And frankly, you're not pretty enough to be my bitch."

We glared at each other for a few moments, and then we both started busting up laughing. After we calmed down a bit, he held out his hand. "The name's Jasper Whitlock."

This guy seems alright. I shook his hand. "Edward Cullen."

He narrowed his eyes and started to smirk once my cursed last name fell off my lips. "Oh so you're the prodigy everyone's been talking about. The Warden's nephew?" He released my hand and walked over to the bed. He picked up a guitar I hadn't noticed and began strumming a small black guitar pick along the strings. I wonder how he got that shit in here…

"Yea that's me, but I'm no prodigy—more like an unwanted bastard child from a bad one night stand."

He nodded, seemingly focused on whatever song he was playing.

"How'd you get that in here anyway?"

He looked up and smirked. "I've got my connections."

Several hours passed, as we played a couple pretty evenly matched games of chess and he gave me a quick summary of what to look out for here. Apparently there was a guard that was a little torture happy and if you got on his shit list, you weren't getting off. I'd probably make my way to the top of that shit list. Guards like that always seemed to like to screw with me.

Everyone always wanted to screw me somehow.

He told me there was a nurse I had to watch the fuck out for because although she might flirt, she'd sick her guard boyfriend (who happened to be the torture happy one) on you in a matter of seconds if you tried anything. He said she sort of gets off on seducing inmates just to see them get their asses beat. What a bitch.

I asked him if there were other women actually working here—hoping I'd have something to admire while serving my time. He said that there were a couple, but they were so efficiently looked after—that I'd best keep my hands to myself.

Another faceless guard came over and unlocked our cell. "Feeding time ladies."

I followed Jasper out of the cell and down the hall to a large room that resembled my old high school lunchroom. There was a line building up to a red-haired woman wearing glasses and a hairnet, standing behind a counter filled with our lunch. As we made it to the front of the line, Jasper whispered, "Just follow my lead."

A very suggestive grin replaced his smirk as he turned to the woman. "Good afternoon Mrs. Cope." I watched as a large grin stretched across her face. "Same thing as always Jasper dear?" She was batting her eyelashes as she looked Jasper up and down. "What else would I ask for, but one of your delicious meals?"

Glancing left and right to make sure no one was watching, she reached under the counter and placed a rather large plate of food in front of Jasper. He lifted the plate, breathing in deeply with a playful smile on his lips. "Exquisite." He winked. Wow was he laying it on thick…

He turned toward me making a pointed glance at Mrs. Cope, before walking away. I was about to try the same technique on the clearly lonely woman, when she started undoing her apron. "You mind taking over for this one? I need to use the ladies room." She was calling over her shoulder at someone I couldn't see.

I looked down at the fine assortment of slop. I hope whoever is serving me isn't a dude. It would give these fuckers the wrong impression if I started flirting with some big ugly ass fucker. I looked up slightly when I saw some bright red finger nails tapping on the glass in front of me. Either this person was a drag queen, or I had gotten lucky.

When I finally brought my full gaze up to my new server, I could feel my dick twitch. If she was a drag queen, then her plastic surgeon deserved a fucking Nobel Prize. She had to be the hottest woman I had ever seen. She had her dark brown hair brought up in a loose pony tail on top of her head and she was wearing the same apron, but it seemed to be a size too small because her breasts were sort of poking out of it.

Her skin looked soft and creamy white, making her bright red lips almost her most dominant feature. I say almost because she had beautiful chocolate brown eyes that looked so full of depth… This was going to be fun.

She had a small smile when she asked, "What can I get you gorgeous?" So she'd noticed my looks. Good. That was going to make this that much easier. I replaced my awed expression with my signature crooked smile. This smile had once made a girl's bra unclasp. _On its fucking own._

"Hello, how are you today?" Her eyes seemed to glaze over a bit as I spoke. Too fucking easy.

She seemed to recover after a moment. "Just peachy. Now what can I get you?" Hmm. So she just wanted to get to the point. I could do that.

I glanced left and right, there was a tiny fight going on across the room that had all the guard's attention. Good.

I leaned in slightly, and was happy when she met the rest of the distance. Our faces were a few inches away when I whispered, "I'm sure you have something more edible under the counter… Would you mind?"

I held my face there for a few seconds, gazing into her eyes the way I always did to women when I wanted something. Usually it wasn't something as innocent as a lunch, but I'm sure the guards might notice if we started having sex on the counter.

I leaned away and after blinking her eyes a few times, so did she. A piece of cake. I smiled at her, waiting for my new lunch to present itself. She grinned a devious smile as she slapped a plate of pizza on a tray and handed it to me.

"It seems this is all we have left…enjoy." I raised my eyebrows incredulously. There were all kinds of plates of food there that were infinitely better than shitty pizza.

"Wait—" I was cut off by a guard.

"Move it along." As I was pushed away from the line, I looked over my shoulder at the woman. She was still grinning that devilish smile as she waved at me.

Dazed and a little shocked, I found Jasper sitting at a table alone and took the seat across from him. He was snickering. "You didn't actually think that was going to work on _her_ did you?"

I looked back at her, as she placed a plate of Sloppy Joes on another inmate's tray. I think she felt my stare because she suddenly snapped her head up and smiled at me. I turned my gaze back to Jasper…a little confused.

"Yea she's hot, but she can't be bought."

My brows knit together. "Why not?" Most women were putty in my hands when I gave them that look… What a blow to my ego.

"He smirked. "Don't take it personally. She started working here two weeks ago, and some sorry fucker tried that on her when her goddamn father was passing by… Stupid ass." He was shaking his head.

"Who's her father?"

"The goddamn Chief of Police. You know, Chief Swan?" Yea I knew him. Back when I used to spend my summers here, we had become…_acquainted_.

"Oh so that was Isabella Swan then?" I'd heard things about her before…she was pretty fucking untouchable.

"Right you are…but she goes by Bella. Anyway, ever since that day, no one dares to fuck with her."

"What'd the Chief do to the guy?" It couldn't be anything worse than what I had been through at some prisons…

"Let's just say he sent a pretty fucking clear message that has every other mother fucker in here backing off."

Hmm. I guess it must've been bad…if every guy in here took notice. I had seen some pretty persistent fuckers that wouldn't stop no matter how many times you beat their faces in. Whatever the Chief had done…

Well whatever he did doesn't matter. I glanced back at Bella, who was staring straight at me. She smiled, and I waved as I took a big bite of the disgusting pizza. I do love a challenge…

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed the chapter!**

**A special thanks to The Panic Attack for helping me come up with all these crazy ideas in the wee hours of the morning. **

**Review before Emmett throws you in the hole!**

**Was that a hint? *hides***


	2. That Green Gentlemen

**BPOV**

The inmates' lunch was already precooked and just needed to be heated up, but Carlisle preferred something healthy, so here I was cutting up some watermelon. I'm not sure when it happened, but preparing his lunch had become a part of my duties as the prison cook.

Ouch!

_Damn it I cut my finger!_ I guess this is what I get for not paying close enough attention while using knives. I walked out the door of the kitchen, holding my finger up in the air. The smell of blood usually made me sick, so I was just praying I didn't vomit as I walked down the hallway with a row of cells on either side.

Looking anywhere but my finger, I noticed one of the inmates yelling at me. Glad to have something besides my finger to focus on, I searched for the origin of the noise. I realized it was James, one of the mentally ill prisoners that I had been told to avoid. His eyes were popping out of his head and he was shaking the bars of his cell.

"HEY HONEY LET ME SUCK THAT DRY FOR YOU!" Alice told me that he had delusions in which he thought he was a vampire and needed to drink blood to survive. She said she couldn't tell me what he did to get locked up in here, but it was in relation to that. I shuddered and started walking faster.

I heard the crunch of bone and "Shut up maggot!" as I rounded the corner. Ah…sweet relief. The infirmary. Maybe I was going to make it.

As I got closer, I noticed that the room wasn't empty. A rather large man with curly black hair had his arms around Rosalie, who was twirling one of his curls with her long pink acrylic nails. She was wearing her bright white nurse's uniform with bright red high heels to match the red stripes. Her long blonde hair was piled on top of her head in a tight bun and her bright pink lips matched the bright pink make-up on her eyes.

The guard was whispering in her ear with one hand on her waist, and the other cupping her ass. Once she noticed I was standing in the doorway, she glared at me and pushed the man off of her.

"If it isn't Helga the lunch lady…" she sneered.

The man had turned around and was now walking towards me. I should've known it was Emmett. He winked and said, "Hey Bella." I gave him a small smile as he walked passed me and out the door.

I walked over to the counter and leaned against it. I was really starting to get queasy, and I just really needed a band aid. I noticed Alice's spiky black hair bobbing by the door as Rosalie continued to glare at me. She poked her head in and looked from me to Rosalie. Rosalie surveyed me up and down before turning around with a "humph".

Alice walked in and stood in-between us, facing Rosalie. She was wearing a lavender blouse with sleeves that stopped at the creases in her elbows. She had royal blue skinny jeans on with lavender flats.

"You're just angry at Bella because you have a superiority complex and can't stand that she can pull off that outfit, when you know you can't."

Rosalie glared at Alice and made a pointed glance at the D-cup breasts poking out of her uniform. Then she looked back at me with a look of disgust. I sighed, rolling my eyes. Anyone could plainly see Rosalie was leagues hotter than me.

Alice turned to gaze at me appreciatively. "Bella, your insecurities as a child being brought up without a mother make you feel inferior to Rosalie's sex appeal, but you've got more tools in the shed than she does."

Rosalie lifted up her nose and snorted. "What do you want Helga?" I could feel all the venom in her voice when she spoke the nickname she'd given me.

"I just need a band aid." I was surprised how steady my voice sounded when I felt like I was going to collapse onto the linoleum floor. She thrust a band aid forcibly into my uninjured hand. I turned around, adjusting the cold water handle to ON.

I called over my shoulder, "Any Neosporin?" Apparently that was too much to ask for because I heard her stomp off. I was about to settle for just the water, when I heard something whirl by my head.

I turned just as Alice caught the tube an inch from the back of my head. I looked from Alice's hand to Rosalie's face, which was covered in an evil grin.

Alice frowned. "No need to show us the ugliness that's on your inside, Rosalie."

Rosalie just glared at us and stomped out the door. I stuck my injured finger under the cool water, immediately feeling a bit better. Alice applied some of the Neosporin to my cut and I wrapped the band aid securely around my finger. She was still frowning. "You know Bella, you really shouldn't let Rosalie push you around like that. I don't see your guys' problems being solved anytime in the near future."

I smiled dryly. "Yea, I'll remember that next time when I'm not fighting to stay conscious." After leaning there for a few minutes, I was starting to feel capable of walking.

"Well I'd better get back, Carlisle wouldn't be happy if his fruit rotted before I got it to him." She nodded as I walked out the door. I made my way back to the kitchen and finished making Carlisle's lunch without anymore accidents. I walked down the hallway to Carlisle's office, passing Esme on the way.

Her caramel colored hair fell off her shoulders in big ringlets. I always thought it was a little cliché for her uniform to be so similar to a French maid outfit…I guess whatever turns Carlisle on. She was dusting a windowsill when she saw me. "Oh hello Bella! Is that Mr. Cullen's lunch?" She was always so nice…I didn't think Esme had a mean bone in her body.

"Yes, some fresh fruit. Is he still in there?"

She smiled and said, "Yes, go right in."

I opened the door and stepped into his office which was about three times the size of one of his prison cells. He was sitting in his chair, facing towards the window as he talked to someone on the phone. "Yes he is here. No he won't be a problem. Yes I know this could be considered a conflict of interest." His chair shook as he laughed.

"Ok, I will let you know if anything comes up. Good-bye." He hung up the phone and turned towards me. His bright blonde hair was slicked back and he was wearing what was clearly a tailor-made gray suit. He smiled once he noticed the plate of fruit in my hands.

I placed the fruit in front of him and waited while he sampled a piece. His eyes rolled back a little in his head as he said, "Wow Bella, you've outdone yourself again."

"It wasn't me, I just cut the fruit."

"Nonsense. Unless I'm mistaken, this fruit came from your garden, correct?" He was turning the piece he had taken a bite of in his fingers.

I smiled. "Yes, it did."

He nodded, "Well then you deserve the credit." His phone rang then and after smiling apologetically, he answered it. I took his chair turning back towards the window as my cue to leave. I went back to the kitchen to continue unwrapping and heating up the inmates' dishes.

"You mind taking over for this one? I need to use the ladies room," Mrs. Cope called through the kitchen door. I straightened out my apron as I proceeded to walk out of the kitchen and to the counter. I stopped in the doorway when I saw him.

He had untidy bronze hair and chiseled features. His shoulders were broad and I could see his muscles pressing against his tight black shirt. He was wearing a pair of faded dark blue jeans that were snug around his waist, but seemed a bit loose everywhere else.

Regaining the use of my lungs, I walked over to the counter. He must not have noticed me because he was still looking down at the food. I noticed that he was grimacing at one of the dishes.

Hmm. Guess he isn't a fan of pizza.

I tapped my nails on the counter. He looked up slightly, and then straightened himself out fully a moment later.

He had amazing green eyes.

He was too busy looking over my body to notice my expression. I quickly composed my awed face into a small smile. Once his eyes finally met mine, I asked, "What can I get you gorgeous?" I wasn't lying when I called him that. He had to be the most gorgeous man I had ever laid eyes on.

His blank expression quickly turned into a crooked grin. I felt my heart stop at the sight of it and then he asked, "Hello, how are you today?" His voice was like nothing I had ever heard. It was like I had been deaf my whole life, and this was the very first sound to reach my ears.

"Just peachy. Now what can I get you?" He looked left and right, and then leaned in. I don't know why I did it, but I leaned in too, until I was just a few inches from his face. It was like there was something compelling me to move closer to him. He whispered, "I'm sure you have something more edible under the counter… Would you mind?"

His intense green eyes were smoldering as they gazed into mine. Then after a few seconds, he suddenly leaned away. I blinked my eyes a few times, and then I leaned away as well. A little dazed, I tried to remember what he had said. _I'm sure you have something more edible under the counter… Would you mind?_

He was trying to get special treatment. What did I expect? Of course that was why he was flirting with me. _Screw him and his stupid chiseled features._ How could I let a pretty face make me forget where I was working? How could I let it make me forget what kind of people were in here?

These people were_ liars, thieves, rapists, murderers…_

I started to grin as I got an idea. I dropped a plate of pizza on a tray and pushed it towards him. "It seems this is all we have left…enjoy."

He raised his eyebrows incredulously, making a pointed glance at all the other food. He was about to protest, when one of the guards cut him off.

"Move it along." He started pushing him forward, away from the counter. The inmate looked over his shoulder at me, and I couldn't resist waving. _Hope you enjoy your pizza asshole. _

I watched as he sat across from Jasper. Odd... I hadn't seen Jasper sit with anyone since I started working here. The only reason I noticed, was because Mrs. Cope was always pointing him out—talking about how polite he is. Plus, it was hard not to notice him.

He is just plain hot. Though…not as hot as this new guy.

Well that made sense that this new inmate was sitting with Jasper—he was always charming Mrs. Cope into getting her to make him special dinners. I guess his new friend thought he could pull the same crap on me.

Someone cleared their throat, and I looked up to see another inmate waiting for his lunch. He pointed to the Sloppy Joes and as I placed a plate on his tray, I could feel someone staring at me. I snapped my head up and smiled in spite of myself at the gorgeous inmate. He turned away, and I was vaguely aware that Mrs. Cope had returned.

She may have said "I'll take it from here" but I can't be sure. I was too focused on the untidy bronze hair on the back of that inmates head.

Why couldn't I tear my eyes away? Was it because of his amazing looks?

No. It was something else. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on that made it impossible for me to look away. I was staring for a few minutes when he turned around again. Of course I had no control over the smile that crossed my lips.

Looking me right in the eyes, he waved as he took a big bite of pizza. _Well that's what you get for trying to manipulate me gorgeous. _

**A/N: I'd like to make a shout-out to The Disco Dancers of Cell Block 303. Without them, this fanfic would be nonexistent. **

**Alice: "Your undying love for this fanfic will make it impossible for you to resist leaving a review."**


	3. We're So Starving

**A/N: Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**EPOV**

I ran my fingers through my hair as I stared up at the bottom of Jasper's mattress. How he had talked me into taking the goddamn lower bunk, I'll never know. The only thing I could really remember about that argument was that Jasper kind of just…made me want to let it go.

He didn't make me physically or anything, it was just…I don't know. Somehow he just made me want to give up my conquest for the top bunk.

Tricky Bastard.

My mouth was dry so I licked my lips, causing me to internally groan. They still tasted like that nasty ass pizza. That taste…brought her image back into my mind.

Bella Swan.

I had found myself thinking a fucking lot about her since our brief encounter at lunch. It's like her strawberry perfume was permanently burned in my nostrils. And in my mind, the image of her full lips, her creamy white skin…

I tried to stifle those thoughts—not wanting to jerk off at this god awful hour.

Needing to think of something unappealing, I pictured Carrot Top. It was starting to help…I could already feel my excitement dissipating as his face and several of his stupid jokes filled my head. Then his face and body started to morph…so that it was just Bella wearing a poofy orange wig.

"FUCK!" I yelled, slamming my fists on the bed. _I was not about to jerk off to fucking Carrot Top. _

"Quiet down bitch. I know I'm sexy, but I still need my beauty sleep," Jasper grumbled from above. Always with the smart ass comments…even when he was sleepy.

"Fuck there isn't enough hours in the night to make your ugly ass sexy."

"Aww. That would probably hurt my feelings if I hadn't seen your eyes practically ravaging my ass earlier." _Yep. There was no way I could jerk off now. Didn't want to give Jasper's theory anymore fuel._

"Fuck you."

"That's what I thought," he said, his smugness evident even in his sleepy tone. I closed my eyes and rolled over. Her face filled the darkness my eyelids had created.

_If she starts morphing into Carrot Top, I'm going to have to blow my fucking brains out._

---

I inhaled deeply. I was shocked to find the smell of smoke and ash…not strawberries. I opened my eyes.

_Fuck. You know those vivid dreams you sometimes have that seem so real that you start to think your shit hole of a life was just one long nightmare? I had just woken from one of those._

I was pleased that there had been no sign of Carrot Top in my dream. _Not even so much as a fire crotch... _

Admittedly, it hadn't gone anywhere near as far as my sex dreams usually went. Meaning…it was completely void of sex. _Then why the fuck do I have this throbbing boner?_

Morning wood? Or the aftermath of the dream? _Fuck it, I don't know._

I looked around at the shit hole that was my life. _If only that fucking dream had been real. _

That dream, although sexless, was better than any night I had spent with a woman. _And I had, had some fucking primetime worthy lays. _

I couldn't really remember any of the details, but that dream could knock my most cherished memories down a notch. _How fucked up is that? The best moment of my life and I couldn't even fucking remember it. _

There was one detail that hadn't been lost to the fog of my unconscious. And that was _Bella_. I could recall her eyes, her lips, the feel of her soft skin under my fingertips, and the fragrance that had been emanating off her body—strawberries. And I could remember the taste… _Real strawberries never tasted that damn good._

"Good morning Sunshine. Sleep well?" Jasper asked, making a pointed glance at the tent I was pitching under my blanket. He took a puff of his cigarette, waiting for my response.

"What time is it?" I yawned. My brain was too fucking clouded with sleep _and _strawberries to come up with a comeback.

"Hold on, let me check my Rolex…" he looked down at the invisible watch on his left wrist. "It's a freckle past a hair."

"Thanks smart ass."

He nodded. "It's what I'm here for."

"Speaking of which…what are you here for?" I admit I was a little curious…Jasper didn't seem like the kind of guy that should be in here.

"Possession of illegal narcotics," he smirked, flicking some ash onto the floor.

"Anything I would know of?" I wasn't a stranger to the world of little blue pills and white powder.

"Not anything I couldn't get here. What about you? Do anything truly memorable to land yourself in this fine establishment?"

Several images flashed before me. I closed my eyes to try to drive them away.

"Nothing fucking important," I answered coldly as I opened my eyes.

He nodded and turned to throw his cigarette butt in the toilet. At least he knew when to drop a fucking topic. Jasper was one smart mother fucker.

A couple hours went by and then a guard came to our cell. He had russet colored skin and his dark hair was buzzed down. "Come on guys…it's time for lunch." He unlocked the cell and waited as we exited. At least this guard seemed decent.

"You're the new guy right?" he asked. Haha. Right. _The new guy._

"I suppose I am. Got any hazing planned?" If he was going to act like this was high school, then so was I.

"I don't, but you may want to watch out for some of the other guys in here. You being fresh meat and all…" Hmm. The helpful type.

"Are you referring to the other inmates, or the guards?"

He smiled. "Both."

Once I was in the lunch line, I afforded myself a glance up at the counter. She was standing there much like yesterday, with her hair up and wearing that damn apron. Jasper made his way to the older woman, charming his way into another delicious dinner. Unfortunately and fortunately, Bella was to be my server again today.

"Ah…you again." _Yes. Me again._

I grinned crookedly. "So what's on the menu today?" _Anything but pizza. Anything but fucking nasty ass pizza._

I waited for the dazed look that was sure to come, but was disappointed to find her looking down. _Damn it. How can I charm you when you won't look at me?_

The side of her mouth curved up into an evil smile. "It looks like we're out of everything again. Well that's just rotten luck." She grabbed a plate of pizza and slammed it onto my tray. _What was her fucking problem?_

"What's your fucking problem?"

"My problem? _I don't like being manipulated." _Manipulated? What did she mean by that?

"What do you mean manipulated? No one is manipulating you…" What was she talking about?

"You're right. No one is manipulating me. Enjoy your pizza." She diverted her gaze to over my shoulder and called, "Next!"

_Fuck. _

**BPOV**

He looked confused as he finally turned and walked away. _Poor gorgeous angel._

No. Not poor gorgeous angel. He deserved it for what he tried to pull yesterday. There was no reason for me to feel bad for ruining his lunch.

The next inmate walked up to the counter. It was James. I sighed as I glanced at my bandaged finger. _At least I'm not bleeding right now…_

"What can I get you?" He stared down at the food. I waited a couple minutes for him to say something, but he was silent. "Hello? Do you see anything you like?" He was standing perfectly still, staring at the food with a blank expression. I was starting to get irritated.

There was no reason for him to hold up the line if he wasn't intending to get something. "If you aren't going to get anything, then you need to leave the line." I tapped my finger on the glass, hoping to get his attention.

His head snapped up at the sound. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. When he finally opened them, they were bulging like they had been yesterday.

"Mmm…you brought a snack…" I didn't miss that he was staring at my neck.

I cringed. This guy was a lot creepier than most of the other inmates. The other sick bastards didn't want to _eat me…_at least, not in the same way _James_ wanted to. I started to look around for a guard, but there didn't seem to be one in sight. I turned to look for the guard that was usually standing to the right of the counter. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw James lunge across the counter.

I screamed as the weight of his body pushed me to the ground. _Holy shit!_

I was struggling, but he was so strong that it was no use. The adrenaline pumped through my veins as I clawed at his exposed skin in my desperation to get away. I screamed again when I felt a sharp pain on the left side of my neck.

Suddenly, the pressure on my neck and the weight of his body was gone. Holding my neck, I sat up to find another inmate holding James by the throat.

Gorgeous.

It was like he was a dark angel—his eyes full of fury as he squeezed James's windpipe with his big strong hands. The gorgeous inmate's lips were curled back a bit, exposing his bright white teeth in a very menacing way.

I gasped at the sight of him, causing the gorgeous inmate to turn his gaze to me. I watched in horror as in that split second, James brought up his fist and thrust it into my angel's face.

He doubled back a few steps, holding his jaw. Before either could get another punch in, Jasper and a guard…Seth I think his name was…appeared. They each grabbed one of James's arms and jerked him backward. The gorgeous inmate rushed over to kneel by my side.

"Are you ok? Did he hurt you?" His expression was full of concern and anger, but he didn't look menacing anymore.

"He…he uh...he bit me." The gorgeous inmate growled angrily as he turned back to James. There was blood running down the corner of his mouth and his eyes were wild. My head started to spin as the smell of blood filled my nostrils.

_I think I'm going to be sick._

"What? Bella can you hear me?" I could hear him, but I was finding it hard to see him because he happened to be spinning along with the room.

_Please don't vomit._

_Please don't faint._

I focused on the gorgeous blur as the Seth blur shouted something at him. I think he said, "Get her to the infirmary!"

I felt my body being scooped up into a pair of strong arms. Everything went dark—all I could hear was someone's labored breaths.

Oh crap, I can't see. I must've fainted.

Suddenly, I felt something cold and hard under me. Then I heard the gorgeous inmate's worried voice. "Bella? Are you ok? Open your eyes?"

My eyes were closed. That explained the darkness…

I opened my eyes and my breathing picked up once I saw him. He was standing between my slightly parted legs with his hands on the counter. Although there was a slight cut on his jaw, he still looked perfect. Reluctantly, I tore my gaze from him to search the room. We were alone.

I know I probably should've felt a little uneasy being all alone with a prisoner…but I didn't. Actually if I was being honest with myself, I had never felt safer in my entire life.

Why was that? Was it because he had just saved me from the crazed inmate, James? Was it because he is gorgeous, and therefore seems like less of a threat?

No. That definitely wasn't it. After seeing that look on his face as he held my attacker by the throat, I knew he was a threat. Still, I didn't feel like he was a threat to me. My erratic heartbeat wasn't due to fear…it was due to his close proximity. And I was feeling a strange thrill—knowing that we were alone.

He turned the sink's faucet to ON and placed a rag underneath the running water. Once he was satisfied that the rag was thoroughly damp, he looked into my eyes and asked, "May I?" His expression was so innocent…I just couldn't say no.

I probably would've said yes even if he had been holding a rusty razor blade.

I removed my hand which was now covered in blood, from my neck to grant him access. Tenderly, he dabbed the bite with the damp cloth, pausing when I flinched. I smiled at him reassuringly, letting him know it was ok for him to continue.

It was silent for a few minutes before he spoke. "What did you do to that guy? Did you give him a plate of something nasty, like I don't know…pizza?" he asked sarcastically.

I raised my eyebrows incredulously. "_Me?_ You actually think this is _my_ fault?"

"Well you do seem to bring out violent reactions in people." He was smirking as he rinsed out the bloody wash cloth and continued dabbing my neck.

"It's not my fault James is psychotic." I'll be damned if I'm going to allow this gorgeous man to blame me for James's attack.

"Hmm. What's wrong with him anyway? He looked a bit crazed when I pulled him off you."

"I don't know the technical term, but he has these weird delusions where he thinks he's a vampire…" I jumped at the sound of his laughter, but then I was chuckling too.

"What like Dracula?" he snickered.

I smiled. "No, different than Dracula. He says he has to stay in the shadows not because the sun will burn him, but because his skin sparkles in the sunlight."

"Like a fucking disco ball?" We both started laughing uncontrollably.

He opened one of the cabinets and pulled out a large bottle. He put some of the liquid on the rag and pressed it against the bite.

"Ouch! That stings!" I flinched again. I should definitely be worried. I was alone—with an inmate…who for all I knew, may have been arrested for hacking his girlfriend into tiny pieces. And I was letting him dab my wound with some unknown chemical. _Why wasn't I worried? _

"What a fucked up bastard…let's hope he isn't venomous," he said, shaking his head with a smirk.

I was starting to feel really guilty for the way I had been acting earlier. He was being really considerate, and was clearly a better guy than I had given him credit for.

"I really appreciate you saving me from James. What's your name anyway?" Although his name probably wouldn't serve his beauty justice and I'd still probably refer to him as gorgeous, I had felt the need to know his name since the first time I saw him.

"Edward," he replied with a smile.

**EPOV**

I smiled to myself as I told her my name. _No need to let her know my last name. _For some reason I wasn't sure about, I was ashamed about my relation to the warden of the prison in which I was serving time.

I continued to dab the antiseptic solution on her wound. Typically, human bites were to be treated with nothing but cold water. However, this bite had been deep enough to draw blood, so I thought the use of antiseptic was warranted.

Even with this slight imperfection, she was still really beautiful. The position I had in front of her afforded me the opportunity to inhale all her strawberries. It was also making me excited. I started to feel grateful for the wound in her neck—only because it kept me distracted from her legs or the way her body jerked when she winced.

It had taken all my strength to stop myself from brutally assaulting that guy. What kind of sick fucker BITES a woman? This was one of my biggest problems with the fuckers I was always surrounded by in prisons. It was one thing for these mother fuckers to be trying to get my ass, but it was another to be sniffing after women like Bella.

I mean, I couldn't really blame them for their attraction—especially when you're forced to live with a bunch of dudes. But that didn't give them the right to act like fucking animals. Of course, most of the fuckers had landed themselves in here for being animals…

What the fuck was a girl like Bella doing in a place like this anyway? There has to be something less fucking dangerous…_ I'm definitely going to suggest working at Target sometime…_

"Oh my god Bella! I just heard what happened! Are you alright?" I heard a worried voice ask. I turned to find a petite girl with spiky black hair rushing towards me. Although she was a lot smaller than me, that didn't stop her from pushing my hands away from Bella.

"Bella, we need to get you to a doctor," she said, taking a moment to glare at me. _Do you see any fucking doctors? At least I was doing something helpful._

Everyone was quiet for a moment, and then the sound of clinking heels filled the room. As I turned around, I was shocked to find a fucking sexy as hell blonde. She was wearing a nurse's outfit that could definitely be found in a very kinky sex dream. _Why the fuck was she wearing that in a prison?_

Not that I was complaining or anything… The tight outfit seemed to mold to her body, affording me an amazing view of her heaving breasts. Still…any woman, who would wear _that_ in a prison, _definitely had a goddamn agenda._

"What happened? Did someone mistake you for a chicken leg?" the blonde spat at Bella. _Definitely a bitch._

Although I would never hit a girl, I was filled with a powerful urge to knock that smirk off her fucking face._ Goddamn blondes. _I waited for Bella's snappy comeback, but it never came. Her eyelids were clenched shut and she was breathing deeply. Maybe her injury was inhibiting her ability to use sarcasm. _She sure was fucking able when she was around me. _

"Save it Rosalie. Bella really needs to see a doctor." At least _someone_ wasn't going to take her shit.

The blonde's smirk fell as she addressed the tiny girl standing next to me. "Whatever Alice. Take Bella to the back room and go find Dr. Weber so he can take care of her wound. I'll see to this one." I was surprised she was pointing at me, seeing as she hadn't even registered my presence since she had entered the room. _I am fucking fine. Go take care of Bella._

As Bella started to lower herself off the counter, I tried to help her down. Alice swatted my hands away again, and brought Bella's arm over her shoulder. _Well someone was a little fucking controlling._

Bella smiled weakly at me as Alice towed her away. I ran my fingers through my hair and turned to face the sink. _That vampire fucker needed to be dealt with. _Several scenarios ran through my head—although each one would get my message across, each one would also result in some sort of punishment if I was caught. _Great plan—don't get fucking caught._

My thoughts were disrupted when I felt a pair of cold hands wrap around my waist. As I looked down, I was shocked to find ten long pink nails pressed against my abdomen. "So…what can I do for you?" she purred.

_Holy fuck. _

I glanced at my right shoulder where her head was now resting. Rosalie had this smirk on her face that suggested she was offering more than what her secondary nursing skills could give me…

"Not a fucking thing," I replied, my voice just dripping with disdain. I hadn't forgotten the way she had been treating Bella. Besides…she looked too fucking plastic. Sexy as fuck, but still plastic. All of her features seemed artificial and I was into the more natural beauties…like Bella for instance. She dug her nails into my stomach and I had to fight to suppress a groan.

This was no woman. This was a fucking cock killer. By the way she was pressed against me, I could just tell she was one of those women who got a sick fucking thrill out of initiating the launch sequence, but then aborting the mission one second before take-off.

"You know you want me…" she was still purring, but her anger over my initial refusal sort of tainted it. _Well get fucking used to being turned down._

"No thanks Barbie." Her nails dug in deeper at the nickname and I was sure they would leave marks.

Suddenly, I heard a man yelling from behind us. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!? GET THE FUCK OFF HER YOU SICK FUCKER!" Just as the loud voice filled the room, I felt Rosalie's body disappear from mine. I whirled around as his baton slammed into my stomach. The force of the blow caused me to hunch over, affording him another blow to my back.

I finally looked up and saw a large curly haired guard with a bright red face. _Oh shit._

He kicked me in the side and then I felt his weight on top of me as he brought my hands together behind my back. I didn't struggle—knowing that would only make shit worse. Clearly this fucker thought something was going on with me and Barbie and that didn't make him happy.

She stared at me, licking her big pink lips in a very sensual way as the guard drug me out of the room.

I let him pull me along—I was ready to go back to my cell anyway. We just passed my cell. I looked up at the guard's angry red face in confusion. He looked down at me and sneered, "That's right you sick fuck. You're going to the hole."

"What the fuck for?" So the blonde had groped me...that was no reason to get your panties in a twist, and definitely didn't mean I deserved to be thrown in the hole.

"For attacking the cook, of course." _What?_

"What?"

"You heard me. I saw you jump that counter and take a chunk out of Bella's neck with your teeth."

"Everyone saw James attack Bella. You can't fucking pin that on me," I replied angrily. _He couldn't fucking blame me for that. I was the one who fucking SAVED her. _

He smiled. "Watch me."

Then he opened a door to a dark room and threw me in.

**A/N: I'd like to take this moment to say thank you to The Panic Attack, for being insanely awesome and encouraging my crazy ideas… Like the James thing. **

**So did everyone catch the hint in the A/N of the first chapter? Hmm? If you didn't, don't feel bad. It isn't like I **_**spelled it out for you. **_***Rolls eyes***

**You should review. Otherwise Rosalie will claw you with her long pink acrylic nails. **

**Unless you want that to happen? In which case **_**you should still review.**_** I'm not judging…whatever floats your boat. ;] **


	4. Nails For Breakfast, Tacks For Snacks

**A/N: Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**EPOV**

_Drip. Drip. _

This was the only sound in the tiny dark room.

_Drip. Drip. _

The location of that goddamn dripping was a mystery to me. It was that fucking noise that destroyed my chances of falling into unconsciousness.

_Drip. Drip. _

_Fuck. Fuck._

Each drop of water was like a fucking middle finger in my face.

_Drip. Drip. _

_Fuck you, invisible dripping water!_

_Drip. Drip. _Which roughly translates to _Fuck you too, Edward._

This room was completely empty except for my tired sore body. The walls were windowless and appeared sleek and clean. There was a drain in the middle of the floor, which led me to believe that they often hosed off this room.

_Always the finest for Carlisle. _

_Drip. Drip. _

_Fuck. Fuck. _

How the fuck did this happen anyway? All I fucking did was save Bella from the vampire asshole and THIS is the thanks I get? Jasper said that curly haired fucker held grudges…but what the fuck did I ever do to him? It wasn't like I was having sex on the counter with the blonde bitch.

It's fucking outrageous that I got thrown in this fucking hole for getting groped by that blonde ho bag. Where's the justice? Fuck. That's right. This is prison…where justice doesn't exist.

I cringed as I scratched my jaw. That goddamn cut was starting to itch and my clenched fist was just dying to make contact with James's fucking face. Or maybe Emmett's. Hell I have two hands! Why not both?

Suddenly, the door flew open and I blinked my eyes against the bright light that filled the room. Seth was standing in the doorway with a grim expression. "Hey Edward."

"Seth. So you guys finally decide to let me out?" That dripping was still driving me fucking crazy.

"Not exactly. I'm here to take you to your first session with the prison psychologist."

_Drip. Drip. _

"Prison psychologist? Why the fuck do I have to see a shrink?" Sure, I admit I have my problems, but there is no damn cure for them waiting in a warm and cozy office with a person who's just pretending to give a fuck.

"The warden gave specific orders. I'm not sure about the details, but I think it has something to do with what happened in the cafeteria yesterday…" I stood up as he motioned for me to come to the doorway. Shrink or no shrink, I was fucking ecstatic that I was leaving this goddamn room with its fucking dripping noise.

So this little session was to be about what happened yesterday? Did they think that little confrontation somehow scarred me mentally? Big waste of time. The only thing I need is to make sure Bella is ok…and maybe a shot of whiskey. Scratch that. I want a whole goddamn bottle.

Seth guided me through the prison hallways to a fancy little office. As we walked through the open door, my eyes were assaulted by a pale yellow color on the walls and reddish brown carpet. Within the room, there was a typical therapeutic couch that gave poor mother fuckers like me the opportunity to lay back and bare their souls.

Edward Cullen spilling his soul? _Very fucking unlikely. You'd have a better chance of getting me to put a bow in my hair and call myself "Edwina". _That wouldn't be an odd sight in some prisons. Being deprived of a decent fuck tends to drive guys to the wrong side of the road. Some like to pretend they're still obeying traffic laws—that's when the Edwina's and the Jaspera's come out to play.

"Have a seat." I knew that voice. It was vibrant and cheery… Oh no. _Alice._

The spiky, black-haired girl came in from a back room and took a seat across from the couch. She was wearing a large white overcoat that seemed to swallow her tiny figure. She slid her glasses back up her nose as she gestured to the couch. _She wears glasses? _I glanced sideways at Seth, who smiled and left the room. Once he had shut the door behind him, I slumped down in my seat.

The tiny girl before me crossed her legs and just sat there. Maybe she was waiting for me to speak first. If that was the case, then she was going to be waiting a long damn time.

We just sat there, staring each other down. After a few minutes, she seemed to have enough. "Carlisle has ordered that you attend a mandatory session with me at least once a week."

"Why?" I thought this was just a one-time thing…

Her eyes narrowed. "You attacked a female prison employee." What the fuck?

"Excuse me? I didn't fucking attack Bella," I said angrily.

She pulled out a black folder and flipped through it. After stopping to scan one of the pages, she said, "The report says you attacked Bella Swan. It also says that using your teeth, you took a sizable bite out of her neck."

I laughed without humor. "Is this a fucking joke?" _You've got to be fucking kidding me._ "It was that sick bastard James. NOT FUCKING ME." I clenched my fists tightly, resisting the anger that was building inside. _It was that FUCKING GUARD. How the fuck could he get away with this? There had to be a way to clear my name. Of course, who would believe a convict over a guard? No one. Especially not Carlisle and especially not when the convict was me. _

She pursed her lips thoughtfully. "Bella told me you saved her." I furrowed my brows in confusion and she smiled. "I don't think you were the one who attacked Bella. Not only did Bella confirm your innocence, but I witnessed you taking care of her injury. I don't need a degree in psychology to know that her reaction to your presence was not fear, but gratitude. Your actions also made your innocence obvious."

A little shocked, I just stared at this tiny girl as she rambled on. Her glasses had started to slide down her nose, so she pushed them back up. "Let's not forget the mark on your face… It's clearly too big to have been done by Bella in a struggle, and too small to have been done by one of the guards. The guards tend to use their batons to enforce their authority, not their fists. Throwing a punch would be like admitting the guards are equal to the inmates. Having said that, it is obvious you had a confrontation with someone."

She took a deep breath and smiled again. "That was very heroic of you…stepping in to help Bella the way you did. It shows great character."

"I am no fucking hero." My voice was icy. It was one thing to accuse me of being the one to attack Bella, but it was another to call me a damn hero. There wasn't a single heroic trait in my entire body.

She pursed her lips. It seemed like she wanted to say something, but changed her mind in the last second. "Regardless of your own opinion, you did a very good thing." This girl was crazy. A few minutes ago, she was talking about how I was the one who attacked Bella. Now she's calling me a hero?

I quirked an eyebrow. "If you believe me, then why did you say I was the one who attacked Bella in the first place?"

"I was merely reading the report that was filed. It is what Carlisle was given. It is also the reason for our new weekly sessions. I am curious though…why do you think the report classified you as the attacker?" she asked, searching my face.

"Am I correct in assuming that it was that asshole guard Emmett that filed the report?"

"Yes…how did you know?" she asked curiously.

"Let's just say that guy has me on his shit list… Now how is Bella doing?" There was no damn point in explaining that asshole's problem with me. Besides, there were more important things to attend to.

"She's doing well. Assuming the bite doesn't get infected, it should heal naturally," she smiled. She seemed to jerk slightly as she pulled out a vibrating, tiny silver cell phone from her pocket. After clicking the keys rapidly for a few moments, she looked back up at me with a grin.

"Well Edward, I am afraid today's session will have to be cut a little short," she chirped. It wasn't surprising that she would already be sick of me, and ready to bounce me back to one of the guards. _I hate fucking psychologists anyway._

Somehow I couldn't feel as excited about my early dismissal. Although I disliked having someone sit across from me—overanalyzing every one of my fucking twitches, I definitely preferred it over the shit hole I was sure to return to.

She was still grinning as she picked up a walkie talkie. Holding the button down, she spoke into it "Ok Seth. We're ready now." Seth's voice filled the room through the walkie talkie, "Alrighty Alice. I'll be there in two shakes." Alice was practically vibrating in her seat at this point. I grimaced.

_Fuck. I know I can be an ass, but it's kind of insulting how goddamn happy she is to get rid of me._

The door opened and Seth pushed in a rather large gray cart covered in dishes that were hidden by their lids. _What the fuck is going on?_

Alice skipped over to his side and whispered in his ear. His lips twitch and then he nodded. My eyebrow was cocked as I watched the odd exchange. Alice pushed the cart off to the side of the room as Seth pulled a large table in between the chair she had occupied, and me.

Alice picked up the walkie talkie again, and pressed the button down. "Ok…we're leaving. He's all yours," she giggled. Seth shook his head at her and looked over at me. "You need to stay here. I'll be back for you in a little while."

_What the fuck? Who was coming here? What were under those dish lids? _

_Fuck._

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

_Emmett._

These dishes were probably filled with various torture tools. It wasn't fucking enough to leave me in the pit of despair…he wanted to make sure I suffered. This also explained Alice's cheerfulness… Or maybe it wasn't Emmett coming. Maybe it was the ho bag.

I swallowed. I think I'd prefer Emmett over the sadistic blonde. Guys had there goddamn limits, but women like Rosalie? After spending one hour with her and whatever devices were on these dishes…I'd probably end up being similar to a eunuch.

That caused a shudder. _Edward Cullen without his manhood? Without his mojo? Without The Colonel?_

The Colonel twitched at the thought. _Don't worry Colonel...I'd die before that happened._

Why The Colonel? Because it's a fucking manly name. None of that _Little Eddie _shit.

With one more glance and smile in my direction, Alice followed Seth out of the room. I stared at the open door as their footsteps faded away. Unable to keep my morbid curiosity at bay, I stood up and walked over to the cart. I gripped the handle of one of the lids and lifted.

The smell was absolutely intoxicating… I inhaled deeply, allowing the aroma coming off of the plate to fill my lungs. The plate was overflowing with hash browns and eggs. I stared in confusion at the plate of food. Was this the torture? Hmm…maybe the food was filled with rat poison?

Before I got a chance to inspect the other dishes, I was suddenly aware someone was standing in the doorway. I looked up to find Bella standing there with a pitcher of lemonade in her hands. She was wearing a tight dark blue sweater that went up to her neck—this was the first time I'd seen her without that apron. She was wearing tight black pants that made my dick salute.

Trying to keep my stupid ass from ogling her, I darted my eyes up to her neck. There was a piece of gauze taped to her skin that was just barely poking out from under her sweater. Her hair was twisting and twirling down her body, hiding her injury even further. I noticed when I looked into her eyes that she was staring at the floor. She shuffled awkwardly from her left foot to her right.

"So what's this about? Are you here to torture me?" I asked, smiling crookedly. Might as well make her feel even more uncomfortable.

Her head snapped up and her cheeks turned red as she looked at me in shock. "Excuse me?"

"Clearly this food is here to punish me," I said as I gestured to the hash browns.

The sides of her mouth turned down as she looked from me, to the food, then back to me again. "How so?"

"Based on my experience, I have to assume one of these dishes contains that nasty ass pizza. Which means you plan to what? Eat all this delicious food in front of me while I'm stuck gagging on my own vomit? That is pretty demented you know," I said jokingly. I sure as hell would rather eat that shitty pizza over the bile I had eaten earlier in the hole. I can't really say what it was, but it was definitely one of the nastiest things I had ever put in my mouth. And having had sex with this bitch named Lauren Mallory, just showed how truly disgusting that shit was. I never thought anything would top Lauren in the _fucking nasty_ list.

Bella was frowning as she placed the pitcher on the table and walked over to the cart. She started to carry the dishes over to the table, so I decided to help her. She didn't say anything as she removed all the lids and took the seat Alice had occupied. As I returned to my seat, I surveyed all the dishes. There was a plate of bacon and sausage that looked particularly good. I was shocked that one of the dishes had a bowl of cheerios and milk.

_Fucking cheerios! _I hadn't eaten those since I was like ten.

I licked my lips and looked up at her. For some reason she was still frowning. She finally looked into my eyes, and I waited for her to explain what the hell was going on.

"So I was thinking…" she started, fidgeting with the hem of her sweater and staring pretty intensely at it. "I really didn't get the chance to thank you properly for what you did… And since I've been forcing you to eat pizza the last couple of days, I thought this would be a nice way to thank you as well as make it up to you." She was chewing her lip as she looked up at me expectantly.

"What? All this shit is for me?" I asked incredulously. Cooking all this food must've taken a long ass time. Shit. Maybe it _was_ filled with rat poison. Why the fuck was she being so nice? I know I saved her and everything, but I didn't expect this kind of reaction. This was too fucking considerate.

Her eyes flashed with anger. "It isn't _shit_. I spent a lot of time preparing this food, the least you could do is be appreciative." Damn. I hadn't meant to sound like a jerk. I blame my lack of sleep.

I smiled my crooked grin at her, which made a dazed look replace her angry expression. _Exactly the reaction I was hoping for. _Although there were so many amazing dishes to choose from, I picked up the bowl of cheerios. Come on. They are FUCKING CHEERIOS. Who cares if they're supposedly pencil shavings…they are damn good.

Without saying a word, she smiled and placed a spoon in my bowl. "You don't seem to be in a very good mood today… What's the matter Edward? Did someone tinkle in your cheerios?" she asked with a sarcastic smirk.

"I don't know…you tell me? Add anything special besides sugar?" Of course I was in a shitty mood. I had spent my time in the hole. Then I had that pointless session with Alice.

"Hmm. You know I couldn't tell you. My memory is a little foggy. But that isn't important." She leaned forward in her chair, over the table. She began to twirl my spoon around the cheerios in my bowl as she continued. "The question is: will you risk it, knowing that I may have in fact spiked your breakfast? Or will you pussy out and try a bite of the safe, reliable toast?" I glanced at the plate of toast sitting next to the hash browns and eggs.

I placed my hand on hers and looked into her eyes as I took the spoon from her hand. I maintained eye contact as I brought the spoon which was filled with milk and cheerios, up to my lips. Her eyes widened as I parted my lips and slipped the spoon into my mouth. She watched in silence as I chewed and swallowed. _Edward Cullen is not a pussy. _

Once the initial shock wore off, she grabbed two glasses and filled them with lemonade. I smiled as I downed the glass. I was so fucking thirsty… Part of the reason that dripping in the hole had bothered me so much was because I was dying of thirst and wanted to drink whatever it was. Of course, that probably wouldn't have been a wise thing to do. Who knows what kind of shit that was… It could easily turn out to be a leak from one of the inmate's toilets. And I had always made a point of staying away from anything involving asses in a prison.

Bella was smirking as I finished the rest of the bowl of cheerios. Once the bacon and sausage was gone, I moved onto the hash browns. All she was eating was some fruit, but I couldn't feel self-conscious about how much food I was scarfing down—especially when I thought of what was waiting for me in the pit of despair. More of that shitty gruel. Or whatever the fuck it was.

We chatted animatedly as I moved from plate to plate, and she maintained a steady diet of fruit. "You know, I never pegged you as a fan of cheerios…" she smirked, taking a very sensual bite of a sugar covered strawberry. The Colonel was at attention when her tongue darted out to lick the sugar off her lips. _I bet those would taste sweet without the sugar…_

"Of course I like cheerios. I'm an all-American kind of guy. You can't get anymore American than a nice bowl of cheerios and milk." I fucking love cheerios.

"Hmm… I'm more of a Cocoa Puff fan myself," she shrugged. Cocoa Puffs?

"What the fuck are Cocoa Puffs?"

She dropped the strawberry she had just picked up and stared at me in shock. I was really happy, but also really disappointed that I wasn't going to get to see her sweet tongue sweep across her sugary lips again.

"You haven't heard of Cocoa Puffs." It was a statement.

"No I haven't. What the hell are they?" I don't see why my lack of knowledge made her look so shocked.

"You _haven't _heard of _Cocoa Puffs._" Again with that statement.

"How many times do I have to say it? Now tell me what the fuck this Puff shit is." Her gawking and repetitive statements were starting to irritate me.

"Cocoa Puffs are like…" she furrowed her brows as she tried to finish her comparison. "Cocoa Puffs are like chocolate flavored crack. Except instead of snorting them, they just dissolve on your tongue with all their chocolaty goodness. You must try it. It'll make cheerios taste like cardboard."

"Not very fucking likely. Nothing could top the classic o's."

"We shall see," she smiled deviously.

Our conversation continued like this for another ten minutes or so, when the door opened. Seth walked in, swinging his baton and whistling. "Time to go Edward," he said. I sighed as I rose from the couch. _Back to the pit of despair. _

"Thanks for the delicious fucking breakfast. That was extraordinary," I grinned.

She smiled and said, "See you later," as I approached the guard. With a tiny wave, I followed Seth out into the hallway. He led me back to the door I had been dreading to see…the door to the hole. He opened it and after a moment of embracing the light from my current location, I walked back into the room.

_Drip. Drip._

Ah. _Hello again, little hell hole. _

_Drip. Drip._

_So that's how it's going to be? Fuck you, too._

_Drip. Drip. _

The door shut behind me, stealing all the light and leaving me standing in darkness.

**BPOV**

Throughout the two hour lunch period, I found myself scanning the cafeteria for him. My eyes always darted back to the table he usually sat at, but his chair was always vacant—leaving Jasper to eat alone. Our eyes locked a few times during my searches, and his smile had me blushing. He was really cute…in a laid back stoner kind of way.

I was really happy when Alice and Seth agreed to help me pull off that little breakfast date. _I mean…non-date. Definitely not a date. Nope. Not a date._

Alice had relinquished her office for the location and cut their session time short. Seth agreed to help because he said he thought Edward deserved a nice breakfast after that whole ordeal yesterday. All in all, everything had worked out pretty well.

Turning my head, I stared in the kitchen at the job waiting for me. Mrs. Cope told me she had a "beauty" appointment and therefore had to leave early, which left me to do all the work. I sighed because I wasn't sure whether I was happy or irritated about working late. I suppose some part of me was still hoping Edward would show up for lunch, while another part of me was just really irritated about working late. Well that wasn't entirely true... There was another reason for my aggravation.

_Edward. Edward. Edward. _

Still, another part of me was just plain hurt. Why wasn't Edward here? Was he sick of getting pizza for lunch? Or was he just avoiding me?

The lack of answers left me unsure as to whether I wanted to kick something or cry. Well maybe not cry. True, I was hurt and disappointed, but not enough to weep like a baby. I so desperately wanted to just hide away in the kitchen, but the possibility of missing Edward when he finally did come, kept my feet rooted firmly to the floor.

Once the cafeteria was emptied of inmates, I turned to head into the kitchen. _Waiting any longer would place me beyond pathetic. As for the mountains of dishes waiting for me? No point putting off the inevitable. _

I was just about to walk through the door, when Seth stopped me. "Bella, are you about to go do the dishes?"

"Mhmm. Where else would the cook be but in the kitchen?"

He smiled. "Right. So I guess you'll be happy to know you won't be washing everything alone."

My eyebrows rose. "Really? Who?"

He stepped to the side, revealing Jasper who was standing there with that same lazy smile and his hands in his pocket. For some reason, I couldn't help but smile back. "Jasper here will be helping you clean up for the next couple weeks as his punishment."

I looked curiously at Jasper. _I wonder what he did to get clean-up duty… Hmm._

Without another word, I walked through the kitchen door. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure he had followed me. He did.

"Looks like you've hit the jackpot… Welcome to the place that I have come to call home. You may have noticed the leaning tower of dishes and cooking utensils—those have been reserved for me. I guess the reservation has been changed to a party for two? Whose foot did you step on to get stuck here?" I was actually really curious as to why he was being punished.

"Let's just say I was in the wrong place at the wrong time." That wasn't very descriptive… I waited for him to continue. When he didn't, I decided to initiate the cleaning by making my way to the sink and picking up a wooden spoon. He was suddenly at my side with a sponge covered in soap. "Thanks. Why don't you grab another sponge and start on the plates?"

He nodded and began washing a plate with another sponge. We were cleaning in silence for a minute, when he spoke. "Hey, you know you're doing that all wrong…" He pointed his sponge at the wooden spoon in my hands.

"Huh. I didn't know there was a specific _technique_… Please enlighten me, oh washing guru." Cooking was my life. Having that kind of focus afforded me the opportunity of washing hundreds upon hundreds of dishes. I think of all people, I would know how to wash a damn spoon.

He smiled. "You're scraping the sponge against the wood too roughly. You need to be gentle, but not too gentle or the soap is pointless." He placed his hand over mine and began moving our hands in the same manner he was describing. I couldn't help but notice how pleasant his hands felt on mine… They weren't rough and they felt warm.

"Move the sponge back and forth along its length, but don't forget the tip. Those can get pretty damn dirty. You might need to use your thumb to scrub that part…" His words seemed like they should belong in a porno…

"Are we still talking about dishes?" I smirked.

He grinned. "Only if you want to be."

I didn't get a chance to respond because Seth appeared in the doorway. Actually, I was glad he had interrupted because I had absolutely no idea what to say. "Bella, I forgot to tell you… When you are done with Jasper, just call me on the walkie talkie and I'll take him to his cell." I nodded and he shot my blush a curious glance before retreating out the doorway.

The distraction gave me an idea for a subject change. "You certainly are the charmer," I smirked.

He chuckled. "I didn't think sexual innuendos involving wooden spoons counted as charming…" he smiled sarcastically.

"I was referring to how you act around Mrs. Cope. Don't you think it's painfully obvious what you're doing to that poor woman?" Not only was he leading her on, but he was exciting her in a way that was likely to cause a heart attack. This isn't an exaggeration… The way she smiled all goofy when she talked about him was proof enough. Plus, he was just plain using her.

"That was just a simple business transaction. As for being _charming_—that was just me being friendly. You considered that to be charming?" he grinned. My face burned as I turned back to the dishes.

"Let's just focus on these dishes…" I was thankfully when he nodded.

We smiled at each other as we continued cleaning the dishes. We were about halfway done, when Jasper spoke again. "How's the bite doing?" he asked with a look of pure concern.

"Dr. Weber said it should heal up nicely, but will probably leave a scar," I grimaced. I wasn't really prepared for the switch to turtle necks.

He had a very small smile, "Yes, scars can be unpleasant." My eyes caught on before my brain did. They wandered across the burn scars traveling up and down his arms. Finally I realized how horrible my previous statement sounded. Complaining about one tiny scar? When clearly it could be so much worse.

"Oh I'm so sorry!"

He cleared his throat. "It's alright. I'm actually taking what you said as more of a compliment."

My eyebrows knit together. "A compliment?" What I had just said in no way, shape, or form resembled a compliment. I wonder if Jasper is on anything right now… It wouldn't really surprise me to find out he was.

"Yes… The fact that you momentarily forgot about my scars tells me you don't focus on them. Which is nice to know," he smiled.

Though I still felt like a jerk, I knew he was right. Now that my full focus was directed at his scars, I realized they were his most dominant feature. They were definitely years old, so he wouldn't be a stranger to gawking. It must've been terrible… Having people only see his scars and not the nice, funny, laid back stoner guy that was Jasper.

It was a lot simpler being around Jasper. Being around him was… comfortable_. _Unlike being around Edward. Edward was much more complicated… There were always too many emotions fighting for control when I was with him. Jasper was different. With Jasper, I didn't have to worry about anything. _Except when I stuck my foot in my mouth._

I pointed up to the hose above the sink. "Would you mind directing that at the dishes? I'll turn it on, while you rinse." We had finished all the scrubbing so now it was time to wash off all the suds. The sound of water running filled the room as I turned the hose on. It usually took a few seconds for the water to start flowing out of the nozzle. I gasped as the water shot directly into my face. Gasping was a terrible idea because now I was choking on the water. Through the flow of water, I managed to gargle "JASPER!"

I heard him yell, "OH SHIT!" as he redirected the hose to the sink. I stood there, drenched in ice cold water. Jasper looked at me in a mixture of shock and humor. "Well you did call me the washing guru…"

Shivering, I glared at him. He grinned as he held the hose over the dishes, moving it back and forth in the sink. As he rinsed off the dishes, I sifted through a cabinet for some towels. Using the towel, I soaked up most of the water in my hair. Jasper was still smirking when I turned off the hose.

We each grabbed another towel to dry off the dishes. Once everything was dry, we stacked them and put them away. Then Jasper turned to me.

"So are you _done with me?_ Or are my services still required? I am here to do whatever you please—don't be shy with any request you might have," he winked. I could definitely see how Mrs. Cope could get so flustered around him. He is such a flirt.

I smiled playfully. "Although abusing my power is tempting, I think I'm done with you for the day." There wasn't any rule that said I couldn't flirt back. There was a rule against dating or anything of that nature with the inmates, but nothing against a little harmless flirting.

He straightened his body and made a salute. "Yes ma'am." Smiling, I called Seth on the walkie talkie and within a few minutes, he was escorting Jasper back to his cell. I followed them out the kitchen door, stopping in front of the lunch counter.

I glanced down at the bottom shelf of the counter. Sitting there was the plate of food I had personally prepared for Edward's lunch today. It seemed like the least I could do. He had saved me from James, and after having breakfast today…I don't know. I just thought…

_What was I thinking?_

I grabbed the plate and slammed it into a trash can as I exited the cafeteria. 

**A/N: A special thanks to the Disco Dancers of Cell Block 303!!! And…I would like to thank everyone at IMDb who has been showing LITMFAGCH so much support. You guys are awesome and your reviews/hits make me squee. =]**

**The Colonel would like me to give you a direct order: **_**Review.**_


	5. Northern Downpour

**A/N: Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**BPOV**

My next day of work at the prison did not start well.

Dreams of playful banter over breakfast and suggestive wooden spoon washing techniques had evaded me last night. Instead I had nightmares which consisted of sadistic vampires and disgusted glares from Edward. The vampire dreams always involved my getting bitten in some way, but never ended there. In these dreams an angel did not come to my rescue—quite the opposite actually. In these dreams time was not a factor. One second was incomparable to one hour.

Waking with a sheet of sweat covering every inch of my body was not the ideal morning situation. In response, I had needed to take a shower which lasted longer than I had expected—working out the knots created by the nightmarish creatures who had plagued my unconsciousness the night before took a great amount of hot water. The concept of time was lost to me. Therefore, I was late.

With my hair carelessly thrown into a pony tail atop my head, I pushed my way through the front doors of the prison to meet a pair of unapproving eyes.

"You're late," she spat through the speaker box as I swiped my card through the security lock. The state of the cell doors within the prison may have been outdated, but the initial entrance was heavily guarded with a very state-of-the-art security system. One needed a special key card in which Carlisle had issued himself along with several pass codes and a retina scan. I suppose the issue of inmates escaping their cells was not important as long as they were not able to enter the outside world.

She sneered as I attempted to pin a stray piece of hair from my pony tail behind my ear with a bit of saliva. "Don't know why you bother. A whole team of hair stylists couldn't fix that train wreck," she said as she gestured to my damp hair.

"I'm not in the mood Leah," I growled. What did I have to do to get just _one day _where her mouth wasn't open. I wasn't oblivious to my terrible appearance. Although it wasn't a confidence booster to look like hell, I couldn't bring myself to care. _It isn't like there's anyone I'm trying to impress… _

Edward. Edward. Edward.

"OOOH. Did someone wake up on the wrong side of the barn floor? Can't tell your hair apart from the pieces of straw you've got lodged in that haystack hairdo of yours," she mocked, running her fingers along her dark hair which had been pulled back into a very tight bun that rested on the back of her neck.

The retina scan was about to start so I attempted to keep my eyes clear by pressing my lips tightly together. Allowing her statement to anger me would only inspire my tear ducts into reaction. Experience told me that watery eyes weren't optimum for retina scans. Something in tears affects their accuracy—at least, that's what one of the employees from the company that made the security system had said the last time I allowed my tears to interfere. The employee was brought here to reset my retina scan. One failed attempt on an employee's scan completely shut down that person's ability to enter the prison.

The scan finished and the door opened after the calm female voice told me who I was. _Like I needed the reminder._

The countdown started and the voice warned that if I did not walk through the door before it ended that it would lock. I stalked through the doorway and grabbed my lanyard off its hook without looking back, or acknowledging Leah's latest jab at my appearance.

Much to my delight, the locker room was empty. It wasn't so much that I was uncomfortable with changing in a coed locker room—I usually made a point of ensuring I only had to put on my apron once I enter the entirely too open place. It was the _other_ people who used this room. Today though, _I was_ actually grateful for the unoccupied room because my late start hadn't afforded me much dressing time.

Ripping out the hair tie that was wrapped in my hair caused a lot of pain, but not as much as the act of brushing all the tangles out. Once my hair was smooth, I began to unbutton the silk shirt I had slept in last night. I had only enough time to throw on some jeans and put my hair up before leaving my apartment. Thankfully, I had some extra clothes stashed in my locker in case of such clothing malfunctions.

My shirt was open just far enough so that the middle of my bra was visible when I heard a loud voice. "BOO!"

I jumped in fear before wheeling around to find Emmett standing a few feet away with a large grin on his face. His eyes darted up and down my form before stopping on my chest. "Bella…are you trying to seduce me?" he asked with a cocked eyebrow.

My face burned as I clutched the ends of my blouse together and turned back to my locker. Grabbing the first shirt my fingers touched, I threw it over my head and pulled it over my blouse. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something shift. I glanced up to find Emmett leaning against the locker to my left with one of his hands lodged into his dark curls.

He looked down at the shirt with a grimace, probably missing his previous view of my blue lace bra. I maneuvered the blouse underneath my shirt so that I was able to pull it through my sleeve. Thank goodness I didn't need to change my pants.

"I can't really say I haven't thought about it…" he said before licking his lips suggestively. I snorted and quirked an eyebrow at him as he twirled the ends of my hair in his fingers.

"And how does _Rosalie _feel about that?" I couldn't help but pull the slutty nurse card. How could he even _think _about fooling around with me when he had _Rosalie? _

He shrugged. "Not all my fantasies have to involve me playing the patient. Sometimes a good cooking fantasy is good to mix things up. I could just imagine the damage you could do with a large wooden spoon…"

My brows knit together at the use of a wooden spoon in his fantasy. _Had he been talking to Jasper? Or were all guys obsessed with wooden cooking utensils? _Those questions weren't terribly important though… The more important question was why my thoughts were now circulating around Jasper.

He tilted his head curiously. "What?" he asked with a smirk.

"Nothing."

---

"Mrs. Cope! How much longer do we have?" I called through the doorway. Alarms were ringing all around me as each of the various dishes finished baking. Simultaneously._ Today just wasn't my day._

I ran from oven to oven—switching them all to the off position. It wasn't until my hands were already gripping the sides of a pan of enchiladas that I realized I had forgotten to put on my oven mitts. The pan crashed to the floor—sending various sauces splashing onto my face as I screamed in pain. I tiptoed around the broken glass to get to the sink and almost sang at how soothing the cool water felt on my burning hands.

"GET THAT FOOD OUT HERE BEFORE WE HAVE A RIOT ON OUR HANDS!" she yelled. I guess that meant time was up.

_Crap!_

My hands ached as I grabbed the oven mitts off one of the counters and pulled them on. Sidestepping glass with my hands full was not such a good idea, but I didn't have time to be cautious. Using my shoulder to push open the heavy door was a little painful, but it was nothing compared to the murderous glares my eyes met as I entered the cafeteria. If there was one thing I had ever learned as a cook, it was that men took their food very seriously. And tardiness…was _unforgivable._

Fearful of my safety, I quickly placed the dishes on the counter and left Mrs. Cope to serve. There was_ no way _I was going to face_ that._ Call me a coward. I'm smart enough to know I should _avoid_ prison mobs.

The more dishes I brought out, the less violent the glares became. Some were truly vicious—I cringed every time I passed the plastic silverware. There were guards watching the area like hawks, but I still couldn't help feeling skittish around all these convicts when I was fairly certain they knew I was the reason for the food delay.

"WE'RE OUT OF ICE!" Mrs. Cope yelled a foot away from me as she loaded another inmate's plate. Her voice was a little shrill when it was so close and at such a high volume. The ice machine was down the hall and appeared not to be in use. My eyes drifted to _his _table for a moment before I ran to the ice machine.

Still no sight of Edward.

Pressing the lever down, I filled the ice bucket in my hands to the brim—cutting down on any return trips. Unfortunately it was too full and some spilled out onto the floor. Even worse, I didn't notice—my mind was a little preoccupied with a certain missing heroic jerk—and I stepped right on top of an ice cube. My foot slid backwards and the air left my lungs as my back collided with the wall behind me. I clenched my eyes shut as my butt throbbed along with the rest of my back side. _How could my day possibly get any worse?_

I heard a throat clear, causing my eyes to fly open and my body to tense up. I grimaced as I realized I had hoped to find Edward. Instead, there was a very tall man with beautiful russet skin standing before me. He wore a pair of tattered old gray sweats with the drawstring hanging loosely and a tight white muscle shirt that showed off the obvious existence of his muscles and complimented his skin tone—making it look comfortable and warm. His long hair which appeared to be black but was probably just a really dark brown was pulled back at the base of his neck. His eyes were a gentle dark brown and his smile was just a few shades darker than his white shirt. _What was with these attractive inmates? Was being hot a requirement to be accepted into this prison? _

I saw Victor reach the front of the lunch line in my periphery. He was twirling his big red beard which contained several leaves, between his fingers as he considered his meal choices. _Well I guess that theory has just been proven wrong._

"Need any help?" His voice was deep and raspy.

Wordlessly, I grabbed the hand he had extended in front of me and was fully upright in a matter of seconds. My eyes lingering a beat too long on the bulging muscles of the arm connected to the hand that I was gripping a little too tightly. Blushing, I released his arm and began picking up the fallen ice to dispose of in the trash.

"Thanks. Ice doesn't really help the uncoordinated…"

He chuckled and despite my so far crummy day, I couldn't resist smiling at the sound and eventually joining in. His laugh was so happy and carefree—unlike most of the inmates I encountered in this dismal place. 

"It's nice to see you laugh," he said as he began aiding me in my clean up.

I glanced up at him curiously, but he just rolled his eyes. "I mean, you looked pretty stressed running in and out of the kitchen. You should learn to relax…you'll give yourself a heart attack."

I snorted, "I guess I'll work on that the next time I'm confronted with about a hundred murderous glares at once."

He laughed again. "Yea, sorry about that. People get a little worked up when their food is fucked with. Especially when it's _your_ cooking."

"My cooking? Most of that comes pre-cooked and I just heat it up and serve…" There was only one inmate who had actually tasted authentic Swan cooking and apparently he was now avoiding me. I could only hope that it was the food and not me. Wait…no.

_My food is amazing. I am an amazing cook._ _Screw him if he can't appreciate that._

"Still…you heat like no other," he chuckled. Then he suddenly became serious, "Hey are you ok?"

I glanced up at his worried face which was watching mine intently. I realized I was pretty much giving the death glare to the piece of ice in my hand and squeezing my fist like I had a grudge on the little cube. Maybe I did. That is…if the ice cube was named _Edward. _

"I'm fine. I've just been having a rough day," I evaded. On the plus side, the ice had thoroughly numbed my burning hand. _Good job little Edward._

"Hey! The grub is here! Hurry yer ass up before Paul eats yer shit!" an inmate with a mouth full of food yelled from a nearby table. The entire table was packed with men that almost looked identical to the happy inmate to my left, except they were sporting buzzed haircuts.

"Gotta go. The name's Jacob by the way," he extended his hand.

I shook it with a smile and told him my name.

"See you around Bella. And try to think happy thoughts," he grinned. He turned and jogged back to the table which was now cheering and making pointed glances at me. I diverted my eyes to the floor as my face burned. That was when I heard Mrs. Cope shouting something about ice and I made my way back to the counter without anymore mishaps.

Lunch went on pleasantly with everyone eating contentedly. Now that all the inmates had been served, I was able to take a short break until the dishes began to pile up. I sat on the floor of the kitchen with my legs crossed and stared at the stucco ceiling. It was odd that the ceiling was stucco considering Carlisle's obvious obsession with smooth and sleek surfaces—even the floor was absent of indentations. I closed my eyes so that I was no longer distracted by pointless musings about the ceiling.

My thoughts drifted back to Edward and I just started to feel so…irritated. I was irritated that I couldn't seem to stop thinking about him. I was irritated that I even bothered making him lunch yesterday. I was irritated that I had flirted like an idiot. I was irritated that he was probably avoiding me. And I was irritated that all of this bothered me so much.

"I like your make-up."

I opened my eyes to find a smirking Jasper leaning against the counter. His comment confused me because I had forgotten to put on make-up this morning...

He sighed as he pushed off the counter and went to the sink. He picked up a rag and placed it under the running water before sitting down in front of me, mirroring my position. Our knees were just barely touching and I held my breath as he stared into my eyes. He was still wearing his same lazy smirk when he brought the rag to my face and dabbed my cheeks.

Once the rag left my face for a moment, I exhaled and was able to see a red substance on the material. For a moment I thought it was blood, but then I remembered the enchilada accident earlier at lunch and the make-up comment made sense. He was referring to the sauce on my face…

"Thanks."

"Anytime. You look like you could use some Mary Jane," he mused.

I laughed. _I knew he was a stoner. _"I don't smoke." The Chief of Police's daughter was watched more closely than their murder suspects. _Not that I would smoke if I could…_

He shrugged and continued to wipe the food off my face. Focusing intently on the way his eyes roamed my cheeks, I chewed on my bottom lip as my hear t started to beat in an unsteady rhythm. His eyes darted to my lips and he removed the rag from my face. I waited in a sort of stupor as he leaned forward—sending the smell of weed wafting into my nostrils. Again, I was holding my breath as his hand came up and brushed a strand of hair behind my ear—his hand lingering against my skin for a couple seconds. I shivered at his touch and released a large gust of air when he reverted back to his original position in front of me.

"So what is bothering you Bellella?" I smiled at the nickname. It was a lot better than _Bells_. It was unique…just like Jasper.

"Nothing I want to talk about. Ready to get started?" He sighed as I stood with fake enthusiasm. I guess my appearance was equivalent to a giant flashing sign that said I was having an awful day.

Jasper grabbed a broom and began to sweep the glass into a pile while I covered the dishes in soap. I picked up one of the wooden spoons out of the suds-filled sink and started to scrub—utilizing Jasper's technique.

He glanced over at me as he finished removing the glass and winked. I blushed and he smirked before moving to the sink to work diligently on a pan encased with enchilada residue.

We washed the dishes in comfortable silence and were finished after a short time. Without the distractions of sexual innuendos and sexy lazy smirks, the work was done quicker and more efficiently. I called Seth over to take Jasper back to his cell, who saluted me before departing. The room was silent once again, when I noticed someone leaning in the doorway—sending a slight spiky-headed shadow drifting toward me.

Drying my hands, I angled myself toward her so that I could see her smiling face. She tapped an imaginary watch on her wrist meaningfully and I almost laughed at the noise I heard come from her stomach.

Lunch was always at noon, but _someone _had to prepare and serve the food. This meant my lunch break was always pushed back. Mrs. Cope was on some new-aged diet,despite her old age, and did not partake in useless things like daily meals. So with her absence, I was left to eat alone. At least, I was until Alice decided to schedule appointments during the lunch hour. When I asked her why she would do such a thing, she explained that there were special cases that needed to be dealt with.

I still didn't really understand why she couldn't move her appointments an hour earlier or later, but I didn't complain. Eating alone got old quickly and Alice was always nice to talk to. Especially today.

I was not one to _use_ people, but having a psychologist for a friend was very cost effective. Of course, the opportunity was open to me to set up an appointment with her if I wished one, but Carlisle would be privy to everything said. And there were just some things…he shouldn't know. Things he _couldn't _know. Unless I wanted to be fired…

Seeking her opinion as a friend gave me some amnesty. It wasn't a spoken rule that she was to keep our discussions to herself, but I knew she understood.

Following her to the break room, I mentally prepared what I was going to say when the inevitable question came. _How are you? _Or some variation of: _What's wrong?_

There was also a question that I was desperate to ask. During the silent dish washing session with Jasper, I had time to think. There were a few things I knew.

I knew I couldn't get Edward out of my head.

I knew he hadn't been to lunch the last two days.

And _I knew _that if anyone would have any answers it would be Alice. Although I could have asked Jasper, I just didn't feel comfortable revealing my Edward problems to him.

She pulled two small bottles of Starbuck's Mocha Frappuchinos from the fridge and took a seat at one of the tables in the back corner. Joining her, I swallowed down my embarrassment at what I was about to ask.

"Umm…Alice?"

She looked up from the label on her bottle with a careful expression. "Yes?"

"Have you seen Edward?"

**A/N: Sorry for the delay on this chapter. I've been focusing on Dark Magic (my other fanfic) because it's at a very critical point in its story. I already have a pretty good idea what Chapter 6 will be about…so it **_**shouldn't **_**be too long. **_**Shouldn't, **_**meaning I don't expect it to, but it still might. Especially now that Spring Break has come to an end. **


	6. Intermission

**A/N: Sorry for the wait. Blame RL and my procrastination. This POV will probably carry onto the next chapter. I have never done any POV besides Edward or Bella, so please let me now how I did. **

**APOV**

Had I seen Edward?

No…not since earlier, but Bella didn't need to know that. With the way she was behaving…no. Knowing we had spoken wouldn't help her at all. She was already far too attached to him. This, I could see.

Due to the timing of Bella's shift, she was unable to take her own lunch break until at least an hour and thirty three minutes after everyone else. Being her friend, I felt it was only common courtesy that I wait for her. It must be terribly lonely eating alone and I liked our little chats.

So, I had contented myself with observing her in her natural habitat. It didn't escape my notice that her eyes were constantly darting to his table. It wasn't an entirely conscious gesture for there were times when her eyes were vacant, likely focusing on her immediate task.

If I didn't do something besides monitor, it could become a full-blown obsession. Obsession leads to recklessness and it was my job to defuse such situations among the staff. Or in _Rosalie's_ case…instigate. That blonde bitch needed to be knocked down a peg or two. It made me angry to watch Bella just take her insults—unable to retaliate because of her introverted nature.

Seeking revenge was easy for me… I was not tethered down by shyness.

Bella walked into the kitchen, effectively escaping my line of sight and critique. I maintained my posture though, eager to view my subjects while they devoured their meals. My eyes fell upon the table of the _cool _crowd within the prison. Or at least, that's how they saw themselves.

There were two other gangs within the prison who conducted most of the business among the inmates. Dealing, trading, you name it. This _gang _in which I was now watching wasn't necessarily a gang at all. They weren't intimidating due to their stature…more their tendencies. I shuddered as Mike Newton winked at me when he noticed my gaze.

Many of my sessions had included under detailed descriptions of his actions and even those were far too descriptive. Mike's sessions with me were always unbearably uncomfortable… I tried to breach the subject from a clinical perspective several times, but he would always make suggestive remarks to me—clearly a defense mechanism.

The cafeteria began to empty and my attention drifted to a table farther away where one solitary inmate with wild blonde curls sat.

Sir Jasper Whitlock.

He stood up from his seat with more grace than would be expected of someone with his lazy nature and marched to the doorway leading to the kitchen. He was definitely a military type of guy despite his laid back attitude, but that wasn't entirely important. What I wanted to know was why he had just disappeared into the same room Bella was currently occupying…

As a psychologist, I was expected to analyze everything and that's what I did. I analyzed _everything. _Every tiny insignificant detail was vital in my profession. My mind was always on alert—moving a million miles a minute. It was my job to anticipate. Anticipate every possible move among my co-workers as well as the inmates.

How dangerous were they and how close they were to cracking. This was of course a stressful job. Admittedly, I did have a few ulterior motives to waiting for Bella today. She had been through something traumatic and who knew how long till the effects would settle in.

How soon till one of the higher level psychotics would finally snap and essentially take a bite out of the hand that feeds them. The hand that keeps them here against their will.

It was my duty to identify every possible outcome whenever any step was made by the people I watched day after day. This was why I allowed Bella to repay Edward with a home cooked meal.

The guilt.

I had slipped up in my observations and allowed an inmate to attack one of the prison's employees. Typically, it was easy to determine what a person was likely to do once they made the conscious decision to take a particular action.

But James was an entirely different case. He is mentally unstable and is therefore more unpredictable then the rest of the inmates. There was no way I could have known his plans, for he had not known them until the brief second that took place before he made the attack.

How could I anticipate that decision when the subject had not anticipated it himself?

I could not have, but that still did not erase the guilt or the gratitude I felt toward Edward.

Still…no matter how indebted to Edward I may have felt, I could not allow myself to forget that he was an inmate. While he did not appear harmless, I did not yet know enough about him to determine his threat level.

At night, I would lay awake amidst my lavender sheets just thinking and contemplating everything. Every aspect of everything. It was terribly tiring and no matter what I tried, I just could not relax.

Until I met Sir Jasper Whitlock.

The thought of him brought me back to our session earlier today…

***CUE FLASHBACK***

"How are you doing today Mr. Whitlock?" I asked, laying my hands delicately in my lap.

He sat up straighter than I had ever seen him as he addressed my question. "Just fine. And how about you Miss Brandon?"

"Just fine. A little early to pull out the southern charm, don't you think?" I was used to my inmates' cruel remarks and of the way they neglected to acknowledge common courtesy.

"Tis never too early for a gentleman to be charming. But in all seriousness, there _is _something important I would like to discuss during today's session."

"Oh drat. I forgot my notepad." I frowned mockingly. I did not usually joke as I did with Mr. Whitlock, but there was something about him that made it impossible to resist.

"_Tsk. Tsk._ Rule number one says to always be prepared," he stated, wagging his finger in false disappointment.

"Did we want to discuss your participation in the Boy Scouts as a child?" As I referred to his childhood, I restrained myself from glancing at the scars that adorned his arms. While they did not bother me in the slightest, except for the immense amount of sadness I felt to know he had been through something so horrifying, I knew he would not appreciate my gawking.

"Never was a boy scout. But that doesn't mean I don't respect some of their beliefs." He shifted awkwardly in his seat, likely sensing the sadness in my heart. He was always very perceptive when it came to the emotions surrounding him. We both knew he used this to his advantage…especially when coaxing Mrs. Cope out of more delectable meals than the prison had to offer.

Bella was of course a fantastic cook, this I knew from personal experience, for she had made lunch for the staff using her own ingredients on several occasions, but there was only so much one could do with the supplies Carlisle provided.

"Jasper…you and I both know you've had one of the best educations in the country, yet you insist upon speaking as if proper grammar is a stranger to you. Should we explore that?"

"I only speak as I am expected to. Men are not supposed to exhibit eloquence when in a prison. Society sees convicts such as myself, as mentally incapable and intellectually deficient animals." An interesting view of society.

"Is that how you see yourself Jasper?" Perhaps today we shall get somewhere.

"No more tangents. I have something serious I would like to discuss." Yes because your inner issues are neither serious or important.

"No pen. No paper. No scribble, scribble," I smiled.

"Commit it to memory then," he smirked, rubbing one of the scars on his left forearm absentmindedly.

"I have a _terrible _memory." Such a lie. I had every patient's file in the office memorized. Every insignificant detail, including the color of Rosalie's bike as a child: pink. Carlisle was always telling us to be thorough. I couldn't get anymore thorough unless I had the ability to read minds.

"Not to worry. I doubt a blow to the head would make you forget what I'm about to say," the humor was still there, but his gaze had become far more intense.

"Is it really that shocking?"

"Not if you've been paying attention."

I sucked in a breath as he stood from where he was previously seated and slowly began to approach. My walkie talkie was strapped to the gorgeous white belt I had bought at this lovely store I had discovered last weekend. I could have a guard in here restraining Jasper in a matter of seconds. All it would take is a press of the button with only the slightest pressure and a silent buzzing alarm would sound to the walkie talkie of every guard currently within the prison, including the two positioned outside my office.

As Jasper continued to take his slow steps, I saw several possible outcomes if I did press that tiny red button.

Of course, none of those outcomes were what I desired.

He wasn't standing close enough, so I jumped from my seat and into his arms. I was incredibly small and his muscles were rather large though not terribly veiny like some of the men I evaluated, making the act of catching me almost effortless.

My heart was beating faster than it had since the last time we had done this, as his hands cupped my ass to support my weight against his frame. His lips formed a wonderful lazy smile as he planted several kisses at the hollow of my neck.

Feeling irritated with the need to feel his lips against mine, I yanked his face up and grinned devilishly as I closed the distance and bit into his bottom lip. My hands clawed at his shoulder blades, no doubt leaving a few marks. He never seemed to mind those types of scars, so I never stopped.

His tongue trailed across my bottom lip and just as I was about to open my mouth to deepen the kiss, he pulled away.

I glared at the spot my lips should still have been and he chuckled.

"I really did have something important to say." I pouted, not really interested in anything he had to say, only having his tongue in my mouth. An odd feeling for someone like me to have. Hearing what my patients were willing to divulge was usually very important.

He licked his lips, causing me to glare even more. Must he be so seductive while depriving me of contact?

"I have been wanting to say this for aw—" He stopped as we heard a familiar static and the last voice on Earth that I wanted to hear coming from my waist.

"Hello?" I recognized the annoyed tone as Rosalie.

Removing one of my hands from his shoulder blades, I reached down to my belt and pulled the irritating object to my mouth, my lips still positioned inches from his.

"Yes?"

"I'm supposed to tell you that you have an unexpected patient coming in," she blurted out, seeming too busy to be bothered to deliver the message.

One of Jasper's hands began to move up my thigh and side, until it was hovering over my breast. I smacked his hand away and he grinned, flashing me two rows of white teeth.

"Who and when?" It wasn't normal protocol to schedule a session without at least a 24-hour notice. Carlisle was very adamant about never deviating from protocol.

"How the hell should I know? I'm not your goddamn secretary," she growled into the speaker, "They just said it was a special case."

A special case? That is interesting…

I was going to question her further, but the static click that followed her words told me she had already turned off her walkie talkie. We were supposed to keep them on at all times, but she never was one to follow the rules.

Then again, considering my current position, who was I to judge?

Reluctantly, I gave Jasper the same pointed look he had grown accustomed to whenever it was time for our little "sessions" to end. He sighed loudly, most likely for my benefit, before lowering me to the ground.

I removed a small compact from my purse, rejoicing in my decision to purchase that "all day" lipstick that miraculously had not strayed from my lips during our brief make-out session.

I had a feeling that buying every shade of this brand would prove very useful in the future.

Just as I finished straightening out my blouse, there was a knock at the door.

***END OF FLASHBACK* **

There was something about Jasper's calm and lazy attitude that dimmed the intensity of what I called my _psychologist _mode. Being with him was like taking a massive valium.

While I was with Jasper, I was devoid of thought—though I never faltered when studying him during our sessions. I was hyperaware of him…just not everything else. Physical need usually took over, giving my brain a much needed rest. In truth, I know how horrible and hypocritical I was… But Bella's situation was wrong in a vast amount of ways.

**A/N: A weird way to do a flashback, I know. Please review and tell me your thoughts on Alice. **


	7. Hiatus Notice

**Author's Note:**

As of this moment, I am putting _Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have_ on _**HIATUS**_.

There are several reasons for why I am doing this.

The first reason is that I have not posted a new chapter since June 7, 2009. It has been almost _four months_. I feel terrible for making you wait more than two weeks, so four months is just completely ridiculous. You DO NOT deserve that kind of tardiness.

The second reason is in all honesty…my lack of interest. The story is only six chapters in and it has barely even started. There are SO many things I had planned in the future of this story—so many minor and major plot developments that would take my undivided attention to write.

This story was something I started because I wanted to right something fun and a little bit lighter than the angst I've grown accustomed to. You may have noticed that the last chapter or so was a bit darker than usual and this is because apparently I have issues writing lighter stuff. It is also because I started writing Sweet Relief, and some of the angst of that story overflowed into my other writing.

I would like to apologize to the 60+ people who have added this story to their favorites, the 90+ people that have this story on alert and anyone else that has happened upon this story.

I would also like to apologize for this chapter fake-out. I know how it feels to get an alert for a new chapter of a story just to find a freaking author's note. I hate when that happens. If there was another way for me to notify everyone reading this story that it is going on hiatus, I would have done that. Unfortunately, there wasn't.

Now if you have not completely lost faith in me at this point, I would be eternally grateful if you would give one of my other stories a chance. _Slaves to Our Nature_ is something I'm just writing for fun in my _spare _spare time, but I have been updating _Sweet Relief _quite consistently. In fact, since I started posting it, the story hasn't gone for more than 15 days without an update. I'd say that's pretty good…

It was also nominated for the Indie Twific Awards, so I guess that means it isn't a terrible story…

Anyway, I have many other ideas in the works. Perhaps I will come back to LITMF one day, but as it stands, I'd like to give my other ideas a chance.

ONE MORE THING.

punkfarie and I are hosting a one-shot contest called the _**Haunted Twilight Challenge**_.

Subject- Halloween: A Halloween based one shot. It can be about anything as long as it includes Halloween. It doesn't have to be scary. It can be romantic, fun, sad…whatever.

Details:

-Must be over 3000 words

-Must have a resolution

-Any pairing is acceptable

-May include smut, but must not be focus of one shot

-No abuse, rape, or pedophilia

-Blood, guts, and gore are allowed

-Entries are accepted from Sept. 26th – Oct. 17th

-Voting from Oct. 20th – Oct. 31st

-Winners with receive a banner made by kimbercullen, and a whole lot of advertising in various places. For full details on all of the prizes, visit the contest's page.

For further information about this contest, visit the link for the contest on my profile.

http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2094728/

(replace the "dots" with actual periods: ".")

Again, I am so sorry. I recommend that you keep this story on alert at the very least, so that you will be notified if I do choose to continue one day.


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